Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
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[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Seems a bit forward
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me