[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
You Might Also Like
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.