Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
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me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Can鈥檛 wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
You can鈥檛 stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They鈥檙e just like hell yes we鈥檙e all yelling now let鈥檚 all keep yelling this is great
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 馃槵
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Be nice to people today, we鈥檙e all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Don鈥檛 ask questions you don鈥檛 want the answers to like asking your toddler what鈥檚 in his pocket
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
For today鈥檚 Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”