Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
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*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”