No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
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You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
It’s an epidemic…
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.