Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
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12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence