[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
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Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?