Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
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Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”