imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
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Finds an M&M
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best