Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
You Might Also Like
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.