DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
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How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
life finds a way
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.