bears
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Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
March 16
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
me linking you to my twitter
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”