me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
You Might Also Like
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
grotesque if literal: baby food
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?