Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
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*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
😩😩😩
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.