Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
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Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
How wrong was this guy?
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit