When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
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The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*