Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
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Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.