still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
You Might Also Like
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
this is the news I live for
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Blew my mind.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.