Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
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99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply