Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
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You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Not messing around
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Time for evil
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”