My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
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Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.