I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
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Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards