I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
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[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Warm pools make me nervous.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*