There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
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mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
I see your IQ test came back negative
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?