Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
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me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Goat cheese is for herders.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you