*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
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*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it