I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
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I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Mmmm canned fish.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%