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(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it