*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
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Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
no one ever comes back
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Simple enough.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.