{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
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What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe