Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
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If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”