them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
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you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Jupiter
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme