“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
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She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
i spent way too long on this
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I have a place for everything. The floor.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”