Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
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when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.