Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
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I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
my mom making me talk to relatives
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.