me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
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I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock