i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
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“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
fair
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard