Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
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The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!