I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
You Might Also Like
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.