My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
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[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Chemical wingman
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
christening a ship with an overripe banana
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.