When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
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me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section