When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
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when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Cashiers are always checking me out
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.