Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
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Want to talk trash? Recycle.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
🤣
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag