I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
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“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
That de-escalated quickly
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.