I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
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Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best