ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
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[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
you stereotypes are all alike
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.