Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
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I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Not😆🤣
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates