It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
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The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*