[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
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[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥