I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
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Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”